Would I relive you if I could?
Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.
I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.
I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.
I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.
I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.
I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.
But maybe I’d just be left empty.
I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.
Maybe I don’t have that courage,
the kind it takes to suffer with a smile, the kind it takes to keep up the facade of I’m okay,
I’m okay if you leave me. I’m okay if you can no longer handle the bite of my words despite the softness, the warmth of my hands,
my eyes. Eyes always on you, always looking for you, always loving you. Maybe I’m not
strong enough to continue the game of chess my mind plays with my heart, the irrationality of my mind winning every time.
Maybe I’m not brave enough to tell you the things I say to myself in my sleep, the things I say when I’m alone, when I’m working, when I do anything. Maybe
you wouldn’t understand. You can only understand the hurt and stress I unintentionally throw into your life.
Yes, I’m a mess. I’m a mess but I love you. And my love, I see it, I can see your patience has run clear out but please, please
don’t you dare leave me here with myself.
I spread a disease, a darkness,
an anxiety creeps from my skin, they can feel it, they know to
stay away, I’m contagious. I’m
a virus, a parasite, caught so easily into the web of love and happiness anyone might extend to me, but once you let me in, I
can’t let go. I feed on it, live off of and breathe because of it. Even I fight it, you’re better off without me, I might even scream at you, but
I still hold on tight, knuckles white, nails digging in, don’t leave me, god please don’t leave, but
leave me alone.