When my eyes landed on his, that’s when I knew.
He wasn’t anything special. He didn’t have a dazzling smile, as far as I could tell. His face was normal, lips a slight curve under his average nose. His eyes were a coffee ground brown, deep and dark, but they didn’t move me.
When our eyes met, he cocked his head to the side, and in that moment, I could’ve sworn he saw it, too. He gave me his name, I almost didn’t catch it with the blood rushing in my ears. I gave him a name of my own, and suddenly,
we knew each other.
We sat on the edge of the boardwalk, soaking in the moonlight, warming ourselves with espresso to stay awake. I felt myself melting, not from the coffee but from the warmth he adorned. Mine was an impenetrable cold, and guilt filled me to the brim when I felt him start to care.
Ten thousand miles, he muttered under his breath, a sigh, tickling the hairs on the back of my neck. His arms tightly bound me as fear settled at the pit of my stomach. That tightening in my chest, the rushing in my head. I was anxious as he said a farewell.
As the world stopped, I realized I didn’t know how to be alone.
It’s not enough to imagine the warmth your arms would hold me in, the
tangled sheets around my legs should be yours and
I hate the ghost of your breath’s memory
against the back of my neck, where your lips should be.
I don’t want this. I didn’t ask for this.
To only exist when your eyes are on me. Only when your hands are on me.
I hate this feeling, like I become invisible the moment you walk out my front door.
I want more than this. I want you to want me always. Not just two days a week.
I need more than that. I need to know that I’m more than my body, more than what you can touch.
I can’t keep feeling this insignificant, when you’re all I can think about. You’re so much more than you make me feel.
You’re frustration. You’re laughter and the feeling of being high. You’re a drunk mind. You’re a pure heart, but a wounded one.
You’re on my mind 24/7 but I barely cross yours for a minute of the day. I wish you wanted me more than that. I really want more.
wondering why i’d agreed to this in the first place,
your eyes sweeping across my naked skin, a blush,
goosebumps teasing me, a warmth in my veins, heart-
deep, why would i agree to a love that isn’t returned?
your eyes meeting mine, an eerie cold, keeping me out,
keeping you from feeling my heart trying to embrace yours,
why would i agree to this?
Meet my nephew, best friend, and whole world, Elli. He’s turning 2 in December, and he’s already the size of a 3-year-old. I love him more than anything in the world. He said my name for the first time, well he really said Hewwey but I’ll take it. His eyes light up when he sees me, he gets this great big smile and reaches out for me. That’s what I want more than anything in this life. For someone to love that much, it’s just amazing.
Something changes when we grow up. Our hearts become harder, we don’t let ourselves love the way we used to as children. That’s why it’s so hard for me to see my nieces and nephews love the way they do, knowing something is bound to change. Someday, someone is going to break their hearts.
I imagine something like this is the reason the man I love is the way he is. His actions and words don’t match. He loves me, he loves me not. Everyone is hurting inside, he told me. Everyone has a reason they act the way they do. My heart was already broken when he said that, I was broken. We’re still together, somehow. We hurt together, but I think we’re slowly healing together. That’s all we can hope for.
don’t fall in love with me, he says
as though the way his breath runs across my skin like his fingers,
the way his body naturally leans into mine, our breath
lingering between our lips, one
as though it says anything other than
i love you, don’t fall
in love with him, it’s difficult not to when
my heart beats quicker when i hear his beneath his skin, my head
on his chest when he pulls me close, the warmth
of his body melting the coldness in mine, a sigh
i’m content being close, content soaking in the
quasi-love that he gives me,
don’t fall in love with me baby,
i’m not ready to love