Cold

Red wine and a worn leather notebook, it’s all I have when I sit here, without you.

Again.

You think I’m fine but I’m not. I’m not fine and I was going to tell you, but that wall, that damned wall between us came up again.

I want to tell you how I love you. How I don’t really know how I’m supposed to live without you if that time comes.

I want to tell you how it hurts me, hurts me to know I’m not the only one. I can tell in the way you touch me, it’s different, it’s

colder. I miss your warm touch and the way our eyes used to meet. They don’t meet anymore, did you know that?

Our hands touch but our mouths stay shut until something meaningless and stupid pops up. I need more than meaning less, cold words from you.

I’m so cold, I wish I could be cold on the outside, too. Gone, maybe. I wish you’d pull me out from inside this grave I’ve built for myself but I think

I might be trapped in this abyss forever.

Advertisements

Between the sheets

I can’t fill up the empty spaces inside of you, but I can fill the empty space between the sheets.

I do every time, knowing the second you leave, I’ll be left with tears and a body that just won’t seem to clean.

The love won’t come off, my skin bleeding you through my pores, open wounds I don’t even think I want to close.

I think another, prettier version of me may be filling those spaces just like me, but

I’ve fallen in love with a man who has never understood the meaning of love.That is something I have to take responsibility for.

My love for you may never be returned, but here I am, in between the sheets like you know I’ll always be.

It’s worth it for the love you’re able to give in those moments. Small moments, but I’ll take any love I can get.

Because that’s all I’ve lived for. Love. Even if I’m the only one giving it.

Empty

Have you noticed the way we never have anything to talk about? How the words we use to fill the empty space are just as empty,

a void filling a void, useless words. Why do we use them when they get us nowhere? Trying to force something to work when it’s clearly

already over. I wasn’t the one you were meant to find, and you weren’t the one I was meant to love. I can’t make you love me and that is something so difficult to learn.

Difficult to accept that maybe you’re with me just to fill that empty space, just for a little while.

To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

Cowardly

Maybe I don’t have that courage,

the kind it takes to suffer with a smile, the kind it takes to keep up the facade of I’m okay,

I’m okay if you leave me. I’m okay if you can no longer handle the bite of my words despite the softness, the warmth of my hands,

my eyes. Eyes always on you, always looking for you, always loving you. Maybe I’m not

strong enough to continue the game of chess my mind plays with my heart, the irrationality of my mind winning every time.

Maybe I’m not brave enough to tell you the things I say to myself in my sleep, the things I say when I’m alone, when I’m working, when I do anything. Maybe

you wouldn’t understand. You can only understand the hurt and stress I unintentionally throw into your life.

Yes, I’m a mess. I’m a mess but I love you. And my love, I see it, I can see your patience has run clear out but please, please

don’t you dare leave me here with myself.

Reach for me

He feared the stars, so far away, too far to touch. “Why do you fear them?” she asked

“The stars remind me of everything I cannot achieve, the people I can’t meet. The places I can’t see.

They remind me of you, so bright and unknowable, too far to touch.”

“Why can’t you reach me?”

“How could I? Your heart is a wonder I’ll never get to feel, your body a lost land, and my god, your face, those eyes so bright, the depths of which I could never reach the bottom of…

How could I ever reach you? My hands are dirty from the earth below, from the moment I touched another. Never good enough, I could never find a part of me that could live up to what you are.”

The mirror she looked into showed her exactly what she knew. They both knew. But letting go of the insecurity was the hard part, and neither of them could tell the other that was what kept them apart.

I only have eyes for you

I tried to imagine what life would be like if I were without you, but

all I saw was darkness. A void. As though

I couldn’t even comprehend a life without you, you’ve become a central piece, the king to my queen,

nothing without you.

I don’t know if you’re right for me. You’re probable terrible for me but my love, I’d let you

ruin me. I love with no bounds and maybe that’s what’s wrong with us,

but tell me, what does a life without me look like in your eyes?

voiceless

Your back was turned as I reached out for you, my silent scream for you to please, help me, I need you.

I need you to hold me tightly, hold me down on this earth with all the strength in you because I feel like I might just fall off. Gravity isn’t enough to hold me down anymore, darling so please,

hold my hand tightly. Turn around and see me here, needing you.

It’s dark here. I can’t see anything around me and it seems like I might just

disappear.

Why can’t I tell you these things when I need you? Why does my voice seem to get caught in my chest, suffocating me, and all that seems to come out is

I’m fine, I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.

Without me

I asked you, gave you the chance to see what it would be like without me, without my demons, but

you wouldn’t take it. You said without me, without me,

what did you have? Without me, you’d be a wanderer, a fool out of love,

you have your own demons, and ours get along.

But what do you have with me? Too distant, too cold. I’m too quiet and too hard to read. I love too hard, my heart breaks itself just to

feel. How could you be better off with someone like me?

How could you love me?

9/29/18

I knew it the moment I looked at you under the dim lights of the theater,

your hand tightly wrapped in mine, loosely holding my own,

I knew it then. I knew it when I rested my head on your shoulder,

it was cold, you know, I knew it when you smiled at me, but I could tell

you weren’t there. I knew it, my love.

I knew our time had to come to an end, I knew it in the way I had

tears threatening to show you my heart all day, threatening to expose

the hurt that I’d been living with for months, my love

you’ve hurt me. I’ve let you hurt me for so, so long, all because of

this damned heart of mine.

Knowing you could be better. Knowing you could be someone who could love me. Could.

But I know I can’t make you

into the man I need you to be.

I knew it because I knew you didn’t. I knew I had to let myself find the one who would

love me for all the love I have to give.