Cold

Red wine and a worn leather notebook, it’s all I have when I sit here, without you.

Again.

You think I’m fine but I’m not. I’m not fine and I was going to tell you, but that wall, that damned wall between us came up again.

I want to tell you how I love you. How I don’t really know how I’m supposed to live without you if that time comes.

I want to tell you how it hurts me, hurts me to know I’m not the only one. I can tell in the way you touch me, it’s different, it’s

colder. I miss your warm touch and the way our eyes used to meet. They don’t meet anymore, did you know that?

Our hands touch but our mouths stay shut until something meaningless and stupid pops up. I need more than meaning less, cold words from you.

I’m so cold, I wish I could be cold on the outside, too. Gone, maybe. I wish you’d pull me out from inside this grave I’ve built for myself but I think

I might be trapped in this abyss forever.

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Between the sheets

I can’t fill up the empty spaces inside of you, but I can fill the empty space between the sheets.

I do every time, knowing the second you leave, I’ll be left with tears and a body that just won’t seem to clean.

The love won’t come off, my skin bleeding you through my pores, open wounds I don’t even think I want to close.

I think another, prettier version of me may be filling those spaces just like me, but

I’ve fallen in love with a man who has never understood the meaning of love.That is something I have to take responsibility for.

My love for you may never be returned, but here I am, in between the sheets like you know I’ll always be.

It’s worth it for the love you’re able to give in those moments. Small moments, but I’ll take any love I can get.

Because that’s all I’ve lived for. Love. Even if I’m the only one giving it.

To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

Cowardly

Maybe I don’t have that courage,

the kind it takes to suffer with a smile, the kind it takes to keep up the facade of I’m okay,

I’m okay if you leave me. I’m okay if you can no longer handle the bite of my words despite the softness, the warmth of my hands,

my eyes. Eyes always on you, always looking for you, always loving you. Maybe I’m not

strong enough to continue the game of chess my mind plays with my heart, the irrationality of my mind winning every time.

Maybe I’m not brave enough to tell you the things I say to myself in my sleep, the things I say when I’m alone, when I’m working, when I do anything. Maybe

you wouldn’t understand. You can only understand the hurt and stress I unintentionally throw into your life.

Yes, I’m a mess. I’m a mess but I love you. And my love, I see it, I can see your patience has run clear out but please, please

don’t you dare leave me here with myself.

Better off

I spread a disease, a darkness,

an anxiety creeps from my skin, they can feel it, they know to

stay away, I’m contagious. I’m

a virus, a parasite, caught so easily into the web of love and happiness anyone might extend to me, but once you let me in, I

can’t let go. I feed on it, live off of and breathe because of it. Even I fight it, you’re better off without me, I might even scream at you, but

I still hold on tight, knuckles white, nails digging in, don’t leave me, god please don’t leave, but

leave me alone.