Cold

Red wine and a worn leather notebook, it’s all I have when I sit here, without you.

Again.

You think I’m fine but I’m not. I’m not fine and I was going to tell you, but that wall, that damned wall between us came up again.

I want to tell you how I love you. How I don’t really know how I’m supposed to live without you if that time comes.

I want to tell you how it hurts me, hurts me to know I’m not the only one. I can tell in the way you touch me, it’s different, it’s

colder. I miss your warm touch and the way our eyes used to meet. They don’t meet anymore, did you know that?

Our hands touch but our mouths stay shut until something meaningless and stupid pops up. I need more than meaning less, cold words from you.

I’m so cold, I wish I could be cold on the outside, too. Gone, maybe. I wish you’d pull me out from inside this grave I’ve built for myself but I think

I might be trapped in this abyss forever.

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No

Not realizing the memories I have could be skewed until they’re pointed out to me.

That first kiss, your soft touch. I didn’t say no but I didn’t say yes either. The blurred lines between what’s right and wrong, I’ve never been good at distinguishing the two.

In my memory it was a moment of closeness and love, we were one and I wanted it, I told myself, that’s what I wanted. My first kiss and first everything all at once, magical.

Reliving it in a therapists office, things look a little different. I was scared. I was scared when your hands started moving from writing love letters on my hips to circling lower, higher.My hands pathetically pulling at yours when they got a little too close to where they shouldn’t be. The darkness. The selfishness. It wasn’t for me. It wasn’t for us.

But I didn’t say no, did I? I didn’t say yes, but this one is on me because I never said the word “no.” I don’t think I wanted to, but I didn’t know anything about the ways men can use you and hurt you, the way they could love you and cherish you.

It shaped me in ways I wasn’t aware of. Basing my value on my body alone. That’s all I am, after all. A body to be used.

The cycle continues, because of you.

Empty

Have you noticed the way we never have anything to talk about? How the words we use to fill the empty space are just as empty,

a void filling a void, useless words. Why do we use them when they get us nowhere? Trying to force something to work when it’s clearly

already over. I wasn’t the one you were meant to find, and you weren’t the one I was meant to love. I can’t make you love me and that is something so difficult to learn.

Difficult to accept that maybe you’re with me just to fill that empty space, just for a little while.

To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

Cowardly

Maybe I don’t have that courage,

the kind it takes to suffer with a smile, the kind it takes to keep up the facade of I’m okay,

I’m okay if you leave me. I’m okay if you can no longer handle the bite of my words despite the softness, the warmth of my hands,

my eyes. Eyes always on you, always looking for you, always loving you. Maybe I’m not

strong enough to continue the game of chess my mind plays with my heart, the irrationality of my mind winning every time.

Maybe I’m not brave enough to tell you the things I say to myself in my sleep, the things I say when I’m alone, when I’m working, when I do anything. Maybe

you wouldn’t understand. You can only understand the hurt and stress I unintentionally throw into your life.

Yes, I’m a mess. I’m a mess but I love you. And my love, I see it, I can see your patience has run clear out but please, please

don’t you dare leave me here with myself.

Reach for me

He feared the stars, so far away, too far to touch. “Why do you fear them?” she asked

“The stars remind me of everything I cannot achieve, the people I can’t meet. The places I can’t see.

They remind me of you, so bright and unknowable, too far to touch.”

“Why can’t you reach me?”

“How could I? Your heart is a wonder I’ll never get to feel, your body a lost land, and my god, your face, those eyes so bright, the depths of which I could never reach the bottom of…

How could I ever reach you? My hands are dirty from the earth below, from the moment I touched another. Never good enough, I could never find a part of me that could live up to what you are.”

The mirror she looked into showed her exactly what she knew. They both knew. But letting go of the insecurity was the hard part, and neither of them could tell the other that was what kept them apart.

Better off

I spread a disease, a darkness,

an anxiety creeps from my skin, they can feel it, they know to

stay away, I’m contagious. I’m

a virus, a parasite, caught so easily into the web of love and happiness anyone might extend to me, but once you let me in, I

can’t let go. I feed on it, live off of and breathe because of it. Even I fight it, you’re better off without me, I might even scream at you, but

I still hold on tight, knuckles white, nails digging in, don’t leave me, god please don’t leave, but

leave me alone.

Missing

The day I lost you, I lost the diamond from my grandma’s ring, the center a black hole now, empty and broken, something will always be missing now,

I don’t know if I can replace you. I know I can’t, no one else lights up my entire being like you do, no one else can make me feel when I’m empty, I am nothing

without you. I’m terrified, petrified, I can’t even move to reach out to you, can’t speak loud enough to tell you I need you. You’re happy, but

I’m broken. Even if I couldn’t have you the way I wanted to, at least I had a part of you.

But that little diamond is gone now, too.

voiceless

Your back was turned as I reached out for you, my silent scream for you to please, help me, I need you.

I need you to hold me tightly, hold me down on this earth with all the strength in you because I feel like I might just fall off. Gravity isn’t enough to hold me down anymore, darling so please,

hold my hand tightly. Turn around and see me here, needing you.

It’s dark here. I can’t see anything around me and it seems like I might just

disappear.

Why can’t I tell you these things when I need you? Why does my voice seem to get caught in my chest, suffocating me, and all that seems to come out is

I’m fine, I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.

All the things I wish I’d said

To the man who momentarily stole my heart from the one I love, to the man who ripped me from my home and promised me a “better life,” promised to care for me and love me unconditionally:

I forgive you. Maybe I shouldn’t. I should be mad at you forever. I should hate you and curse you for the rest of my life, but

I can’t give you that power. I can’t give you power over me again, not like I once did. I can’t let you control me. I can’t let my thoughts be taken over by you. I won’t let you haunt me.

I hope I can forget you and everything you put me through. I hope I can forget your touch, it still sends chills down my spine, an ache in my core, it grabs ahold of my body and won’t let me go.

I hope I can forget your hands, the way they held me by the wrists, the way they pushed and pulled at me, like a rag doll. I can’t give those hands power.

I pray I can forget your eyes. I wish they never looked at me, never saw me. The way they never left me, watching every move, every breath. Your eyes had power over me, I have to forget them.

And that mouth… god, I hated that mouth. Your words were convincing and comforting at times, but your cruelty slipped through your teeth in the moments I made you vulnerable. In those moments I pushed you off your pedestal and showed you who you really were.

The memory of your lips disgusts me, your breath on my neck, every word you ever spoke to me. I still have guilt in my core knowing that I left him to be lonely, all for you.

At times, I swear I see you in a crowded place. My heart stops for a second and I am so, so afraid. But pull myself together because you can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not yours to hurt.

I’m not proud that I was vulnerable enough to get into a situation like that, to get involved with someone like you. But I can say thank you. I am stronger because you tried to break me. Knowing my soul can’t be shaken by someone like you. You tried to make me feel small, but all it did was make me grow into more of the woman I am supposed to be.

So thank you, and I hope we never meet again.