To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

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All the things I wish I’d said

To the man who momentarily stole my heart from the one I love, to the man who ripped me from my home and promised me a “better life,” promised to care for me and love me unconditionally:

I forgive you. Maybe I shouldn’t. I should be mad at you forever. I should hate you and curse you for the rest of my life, but

I can’t give you that power. I can’t give you power over me again, not like I once did. I can’t let you control me. I can’t let my thoughts be taken over by you. I won’t let you haunt me.

I hope I can forget you and everything you put me through. I hope I can forget your touch, it still sends chills down my spine, an ache in my core, it grabs ahold of my body and won’t let me go.

I hope I can forget your hands, the way they held me by the wrists, the way they pushed and pulled at me, like a rag doll. I can’t give those hands power.

I pray I can forget your eyes. I wish they never looked at me, never saw me. The way they never left me, watching every move, every breath. Your eyes had power over me, I have to forget them.

And that mouth… god, I hated that mouth. Your words were convincing and comforting at times, but your cruelty slipped through your teeth in the moments I made you vulnerable. In those moments I pushed you off your pedestal and showed you who you really were.

The memory of your lips disgusts me, your breath on my neck, every word you ever spoke to me. I still have guilt in my core knowing that I left him to be lonely, all for you.

At times, I swear I see you in a crowded place. My heart stops for a second and I am so, so afraid. But pull myself together because you can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not yours to hurt.

I’m not proud that I was vulnerable enough to get into a situation like that, to get involved with someone like you. But I can say thank you. I am stronger because you tried to break me. Knowing my soul can’t be shaken by someone like you. You tried to make me feel small, but all it did was make me grow into more of the woman I am supposed to be.

So thank you, and I hope we never meet again.