To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

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