you do you

i’m not sure what i had been expecting, you’ve moved on and

i was always still here waiting,

wanting. what had i expected when i told you

you’re bad for me, you’re killing me and

you’re happy. with her.

 

what had i expected, months and months of loving, of caring for

someone who doesn’t even give me a thought for a second of their day.

someone i spent countless nights aching for, my heart

caving in on itself, my body curling into itself to ease just some of the pain,

the pain of knowing i was just your in-between girl, knowing

she was waiting there for you, you were waiting for her to

come back to you.

 

should i have expected anything more than that cold, careless

“you do you, take care”?

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Loss

All that’s left are the memories of what could have been. The excitement and glowing, knowing the love that blooms inside me. I already loved you before I knew your name.

Seeing you for the first time, tiny fingers wrapped around mine, a contagious giggle, a gummy smile lighting up my own,

experiencing your countless firsts, all the meltdowns and tears, sleepless nights spent holding you close, holding you tight so you know everything will be okay,

everything will be okay. Hold me tight now because I need to hear those words that I can’t even convince myself of.

Forget-me-not

Ever since you gave back the part of my heart that was yours, I’ve kept it locked in a box in the back of my closet,

I can still hear it beating, pulsing sometimes when it’s really quiet, when the darkness fills every corner of my being and sometimes

when I’m brave enough I’ll take it out, dust it off and feel it in my hands, still

beating for you. Still hurting, heart-wrenching pain fills me from head to toe, but I’m

still breathing for you. The pain is overwhelming but I can still feel the sunshine, the spring you put inside my heart, the forget-me-nots you gave me blooming, warming me.

I wish I could get rid of them, but I’ll always keep these feelings for you locked up tight in that box, only taking them out, only feeling

when I’m missing you.

Missing

The day I lost you, I lost the diamond from my grandma’s ring, the center a black hole now, empty and broken, something will always be missing now,

I don’t know if I can replace you. I know I can’t, no one else lights up my entire being like you do, no one else can make me feel when I’m empty, I am nothing

without you. I’m terrified, petrified, I can’t even move to reach out to you, can’t speak loud enough to tell you I need you. You’re happy, but

I’m broken. Even if I couldn’t have you the way I wanted to, at least I had a part of you.

But that little diamond is gone now, too.

Untitled

Is it possible to stop loving someone? Or am I always going to be missing the part of my heart that you took?

I’ve seen the seasons change many times but I’m stuck in this perpetual winter, always cold, always longing for the warmth you once gave me. I’ve been tired and empty since you left me here,

not even moonlight can light up this darkness, the icy snow reflecting the nothingness you’ve left inside me.

They can try to pull me out of here, they can try to show me the spring that sits on the horizon but I fear I might squeeze my eyes shut, closed off to the hope that could bloom inside my heart.

Happy endings aren’t for everyone

She was 21 when she learned for the first time that the princess doesn’t always end up with her prince.

When he came into her life, he set her soul on fire. He held the missing part of her she had been searching for all her life. His smile and his touch, even for just a short while, said more than the dozens of people who came and went, his sigh saying more I love you’s than she could have ever dreamed of hearing.

So when he left, she always assumed he would come back. They’d end up together eventually. He was her soulmate. Right?

Then, she came along. His new love was the opposite of her. She was lively and bright, her eyes weren’t deep with darkness and the insecurities she tried to hide. She was exactly what he needed.

His heart found a new home in someone she knew she could never dream of winning against in the fight for his heart. He was completely himself with that girl, seeing sides of him she never knew existed.

So when they fell apart, it came as no surprise. His promises that he would always be there for her, she started to let them go, her knuckles still white from holding on so tight.

She was 22 when she learned that maybe we don’t have just one soulmate. That maybe she had to let go of that part of her that he kept, so he could be happy. Maybe her soul would be cold, but if his could be on fire, she might keep herself warm knowing she didn’t steal him from the girl his soul had always loved.

I only have eyes for you

I tried to imagine what life would be like if I were without you, but

all I saw was darkness. A void. As though

I couldn’t even comprehend a life without you, you’ve become a central piece, the king to my queen,

nothing without you.

I don’t know if you’re right for me. You’re probable terrible for me but my love, I’d let you

ruin me. I love with no bounds and maybe that’s what’s wrong with us,

but tell me, what does a life without me look like in your eyes?

voiceless

Your back was turned as I reached out for you, my silent scream for you to please, help me, I need you.

I need you to hold me tightly, hold me down on this earth with all the strength in you because I feel like I might just fall off. Gravity isn’t enough to hold me down anymore, darling so please,

hold my hand tightly. Turn around and see me here, needing you.

It’s dark here. I can’t see anything around me and it seems like I might just

disappear.

Why can’t I tell you these things when I need you? Why does my voice seem to get caught in my chest, suffocating me, and all that seems to come out is

I’m fine, I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.

Without me

I asked you, gave you the chance to see what it would be like without me, without my demons, but

you wouldn’t take it. You said without me, without me,

what did you have? Without me, you’d be a wanderer, a fool out of love,

you have your own demons, and ours get along.

But what do you have with me? Too distant, too cold. I’m too quiet and too hard to read. I love too hard, my heart breaks itself just to

feel. How could you be better off with someone like me?

How could you love me?

All the things I wish I’d said

To the man who momentarily stole my heart from the one I love, to the man who ripped me from my home and promised me a “better life,” promised to care for me and love me unconditionally:

I forgive you. Maybe I shouldn’t. I should be mad at you forever. I should hate you and curse you for the rest of my life, but

I can’t give you that power. I can’t give you power over me again, not like I once did. I can’t let you control me. I can’t let my thoughts be taken over by you. I won’t let you haunt me.

I hope I can forget you and everything you put me through. I hope I can forget your touch, it still sends chills down my spine, an ache in my core, it grabs ahold of my body and won’t let me go.

I hope I can forget your hands, the way they held me by the wrists, the way they pushed and pulled at me, like a rag doll. I can’t give those hands power.

I pray I can forget your eyes. I wish they never looked at me, never saw me. The way they never left me, watching every move, every breath. Your eyes had power over me, I have to forget them.

And that mouth… god, I hated that mouth. Your words were convincing and comforting at times, but your cruelty slipped through your teeth in the moments I made you vulnerable. In those moments I pushed you off your pedestal and showed you who you really were.

The memory of your lips disgusts me, your breath on my neck, every word you ever spoke to me. I still have guilt in my core knowing that I left him to be lonely, all for you.

At times, I swear I see you in a crowded place. My heart stops for a second and I am so, so afraid. But pull myself together because you can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not yours to hurt.

I’m not proud that I was vulnerable enough to get into a situation like that, to get involved with someone like you. But I can say thank you. I am stronger because you tried to break me. Knowing my soul can’t be shaken by someone like you. You tried to make me feel small, but all it did was make me grow into more of the woman I am supposed to be.

So thank you, and I hope we never meet again.