To 2018

Would I relive you if I could?

Probably not. I don’t know if I could live through the pain you put me through, the hidden things you brought to light I wish I’d never seen.

I thought you’d fix me. You were my time. I was met with a chuckle, not yet my dear, not yet.

I was met with heartache beyond what I had ever experienced before. I was met with depression and anxiety at a new level, with fibromyalgia and BPD, with deceitful men promising me the world and taking everything I had, with a traumatic car crash that still wakes me up at night, I can’t drive those roads without reliving that moment.

I met my new friend Sorrow. They’re always with me and I can’t tell if I want them to leave or stay. I found my new favorite place on the edge, barely standing straight, the pull is so strong.

I met a new me in my reflection. She looks a lot like her, I pretend it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not.

I met a new me inside my head, she doesn’t like to agree with me much. I can’t really control her and sometimes she likes to take over. I wish I could be rid of her.

But maybe I’d just be left empty.

I don’t know what the next year holds for me but dear God, please let it bring a new hope and healing to me, don’t let the me inside destroy me more than she already has.

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Cowardly

Maybe I don’t have that courage,

the kind it takes to suffer with a smile, the kind it takes to keep up the facade of I’m okay,

I’m okay if you leave me. I’m okay if you can no longer handle the bite of my words despite the softness, the warmth of my hands,

my eyes. Eyes always on you, always looking for you, always loving you. Maybe I’m not

strong enough to continue the game of chess my mind plays with my heart, the irrationality of my mind winning every time.

Maybe I’m not brave enough to tell you the things I say to myself in my sleep, the things I say when I’m alone, when I’m working, when I do anything. Maybe

you wouldn’t understand. You can only understand the hurt and stress I unintentionally throw into your life.

Yes, I’m a mess. I’m a mess but I love you. And my love, I see it, I can see your patience has run clear out but please, please

don’t you dare leave me here with myself.

Reach for me

He feared the stars, so far away, too far to touch. “Why do you fear them?” she asked

“The stars remind me of everything I cannot achieve, the people I can’t meet. The places I can’t see.

They remind me of you, so bright and unknowable, too far to touch.”

“Why can’t you reach me?”

“How could I? Your heart is a wonder I’ll never get to feel, your body a lost land, and my god, your face, those eyes so bright, the depths of which I could never reach the bottom of…

How could I ever reach you? My hands are dirty from the earth below, from the moment I touched another. Never good enough, I could never find a part of me that could live up to what you are.”

The mirror she looked into showed her exactly what she knew. They both knew. But letting go of the insecurity was the hard part, and neither of them could tell the other that was what kept them apart.

Better off

I spread a disease, a darkness,

an anxiety creeps from my skin, they can feel it, they know to

stay away, I’m contagious. I’m

a virus, a parasite, caught so easily into the web of love and happiness anyone might extend to me, but once you let me in, I

can’t let go. I feed on it, live off of and breathe because of it. Even I fight it, you’re better off without me, I might even scream at you, but

I still hold on tight, knuckles white, nails digging in, don’t leave me, god please don’t leave, but

leave me alone.

you do you

i’m not sure what i had been expecting, you’ve moved on and

i was always still here waiting,

wanting. what had i expected when i told you

you’re bad for me, you’re killing me and

you’re happy. with her.

 

what had i expected, months and months of loving, of caring for

someone who doesn’t even give me a thought for a second of their day.

someone i spent countless nights aching for, my heart

caving in on itself, my body curling into itself to ease just some of the pain,

the pain of knowing i was just your in-between girl, knowing

she was waiting there for you, you were waiting for her to

come back to you.

 

should i have expected anything more than that cold, careless

“you do you, take care”?