9/29/18

I knew it the moment I looked at you under the dim lights of the theater,

your hand tightly wrapped in mine, loosely holding my own,

I knew it then. I knew it when I rested my head on your shoulder,

it was cold, you know, I knew it when you smiled at me, but I could tell

you weren’t there. I knew it, my love.

I knew our time had to come to an end, I knew it in the way I had

tears threatening to show you my heart all day, threatening to expose

the hurt that I’d been living with for months, my love

you’ve hurt me. I’ve let you hurt me for so, so long, all because of

this damned heart of mine.

Knowing you could be better. Knowing you could be someone who could love me. Could.

But I know I can’t make you

into the man I need you to be.

I knew it because I knew you didn’t. I knew I had to let myself find the one who would

love me for all the love I have to give.

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falling fast

Love always had a way of driving her to insanity.
She gave herself up to it, let it devour her entirely. To love
is to die,
she said to love is to be stripped and
naked and vulnerable and
nothing.

Fear had her in a choke-hold,
a cold embrace she had come to know well.
It whispered in her ear whenever she felt safe,
don’t be too sure.

She always made mistakes.

that which binds us

My mind is a jail cell, my words in shackles and I desperately try to break free and  I scream
but this mind is a mental ward, white walls
concrete and sound proof, no one hears my words
as they bounce back at me, I hate them,
hate the way they cloud my brain and I can’t get rid of them
with hands tied to my sides in a straitjacket of the mind, I
can’t do anything.
My mind is a cloudy day and I want to fly but
the weather up here is just too muddled for me
not to crash.

we loved in letters and postcards

Endless apologies and a “wish you were here.” They don’t make up for the absence of you, the sound of your voice or the smell of your skin, your touch.
Nothing can make up for the sleepless nights I spent wrapped up tight in the thought of your arms, silent conversations never had, kisses never stolen.
We send our love to be torn up because now it doesn’t mean as much, because paper is more perishable than the distance between us.

unexpected

When my eyes landed on his, that’s when I knew.

He wasn’t anything special. He didn’t have a dazzling smile, as far as I could tell. His face was normal, lips a slight curve under his average nose. His eyes were a coffee ground brown, deep and dark, but they didn’t move me.

When our eyes met, he cocked his head to the side, and in that moment, I could’ve sworn he saw it, too. He gave me his name, I almost didn’t catch it with the blood rushing in my ears. I gave him a name of my own, and suddenly,

we knew each other.

We sat on the edge of the boardwalk, soaking in the moonlight, warming ourselves with espresso to stay awake. I felt myself melting, not from the coffee but from the warmth he adorned. Mine was an impenetrable cold, and guilt filled me to the brim when I felt him start to care.

Ten thousand miles, he muttered under his breath, a sigh, tickling the hairs on the back of my neck. His arms tightly bound me as fear settled at the pit of my stomach. That tightening in my chest, the rushing in my head. I was anxious as he said a farewell.

As the world stopped, I realized I didn’t know how to be alone.